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By Foreign Correspondent Shaun Lim

ST LOUIS, MISSOURI — At a press conference after the second presidential debate on Monday, US Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump announced that he will be replacing current Yale-NUS president Pericles Lewis, who will be stepping down in May 2017.

“So this guy, Pericles, he called my people this afternoon asking if I wanted to be president of this Yale-NUS College in Singapore – Singapore, China,” said Trump in his address. “Forget America – of course I accepted the offer. His name’s Pericles. It’s a great name, believe me.”

When asked if he was comfortable with moving to the other side of the world, Trump responded, “Of course. China. You know I love China. I love the people – the Chinese. They’re great; they’re winners. I love the way China sounds: China, China, China. I mean China – China’s going places, and let me tell you; it’s not pretty.”

Trump has already proposed drastic plans for several issues within Yale-NUS, such as the presence of non-Yale-NUS students in the library. “These illegal immigrants have stolen seats that should go to students here legally,” Trump declared. “My sources – and they are the best sources – my sources tell me that over 95% of Yale-NUS students are currently without seats. They’re bringing in books. They’re bringing in knowledge. They’re nerds. I would have suggested building a wall, but the college is already fenced up with these huge metal gates. What I’m saying is that that’s not enough. We should build a moat. Look, I don’t even know what NUS is, but I’m sure that these nerds can’t swim. I just don’t say it because I always insist on being politically correct.”

Trump also announced his plans to review and reconfigure the Yale-NUS Common Curriculum, an integral part of the college’s learning experience. He intends to “Trump up and trim down” several Common Curriculum courses, with new modules focusing on Mr. Trump himself, such as Philosophical and Political Trump and Modern Social Trump.

“Of course they’ll have to study about me because I have the best ideas,” Trump explained. “Ask anyone and they’ll tell you that I have the best theories on how to be great. And these kids, they want to be great like me. You can’t argue with that. They know that I’m the only person who can run Yale-NUS. I have experience – the best experience, and I say this not in a braggadocious way. Everyone agrees with me that I have tons of money. I’ve had dealings like Trump University and it was a tremendous success – 98% of students gave it favorable reviews. 98%. That’s a huge number. Huge.”

Trump has dismissed the allegations that a “Trump Takeover” would be detrimental to the identity that Yale-NUS College has been building over the past seven years. “I’ve heard the name Kale-NUS and Fake-Yale floating around and I said to myself, why not just drop the names? Drop Yale and NUS altogether? During my time as president I say we change the name to Trump-US. It will be a great school. Top notch. It will make China great again.”

In addition to these measures, Trump hopes to develop Yale-NUS’ fourth residential college, Trump College, which will be constructed next to Cendana College. Featured Trump College amenities will include an Infinity Pool, two casinos, a Trump Museum, and a giant locker room. logo