back-to-school-editionYALE-NUS COLLEGE — Pandemonium erupted among the Yale-NUS College Class of 2020 this week as first-year after first-year eventually came to the realization that their grades would actually matter this semester.

Tensions ran high as the incumbent freshmen returned to campus to commence their first graded semester. Over the course of the winter break, rumors of grades which carried academic weight had swept through the freshman batch, but most first-year students still maintained doubts over the existence of consequential metrics such as Cumulative Average Points (CAP). However, these doubts were promptly laid to rest, when, in her welcome back email, Dean of Students Emily Liu wished the freshman class “the best of luck in their first graded semester of college”.

Numerous freshmen have expressed confusion and horror in the wake of this revelation. Terrified Elm resident Julia Anderson (’20) told reporters that she thought grades “were just for fun, like IFGs [Inter-Faculty Games], or course evaluations.”

Chaos quickly ensued as the realization that grades were in fact significant began to dawn on the freshman class. Experts reported a surge in readings completion and seminar attendance unseen since the adoption of the Latin Honours system last year. As of press time, seven student organizations have had to disband due to lack of underclassmen manpower, and an additional five freshman student government members have announced their resignations, each citing “a change in personal priorities”.

Nevertheless, some students have refused to accept the existence of grades. Prominent grades denier and Cendana freshman Jordan Low (’20) posted on his blog yesterday, arguing that “there is no consensus among professors and other academics that grades are actually happening”, and that “grades cause autism”.

When approached for comment on the situation, numerous upperclassmen responded with a resigned sigh. One anonymous senior commented with a sad chuckle, “I remember being that innocent when I was a freshman.” logo