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ECO-POND — After months of extensive research and exploration, surveyors from the Shell Oil Company formally announced plans to erect three new offshore oil rigs in the heart of Yale-NUS College’s Eco-pond.

In a press conference held yesterday, Shell’s Chief Project Engineer Russell Essex remarked that he was surprised it took this long for someone to notice the signs. “The water’s strange murkiness is clear evidence of petroleum seeping out through cracks in the rocks below the water’s surface,” explained Essex. “Satellite imagery confirms that this college is sitting on the largest reservoir of untapped oil this side of the South China Sea.”

“It is therefore our great pleasure to begin the installation of three new drilling platforms in this body of water, to begin harvesting the precious cache of black gold beneath our feet,” he said.

The chief engineer was also excited about the prospect of tapping into one of the last few reserves of this valuable, dwindling resource. “We applaud the College for their efforts in cultivating human capital, but – let’s be honest – everyone knows that fossil fuels are where the real money’s at,” said Essex, adding that they were aiming to hire the College’s liberal arts graduates to perform the menial task of transporting the barrels of crude to the refineries on Jurong Island.

“To put it plainly, this is a motherfracking good deal,” he added.

Students appear to be equally optimistic about this venture. Elm senior Harold Kumar (’17) told reporters that the enterprise might create more local employment opportunities, especially for Environmental Studies graduates. “Job prospects aren’t great in this economy right now,” said Kumar, “and I have to do something about this bachelor’s degree burning a hole in my pocket.”

At press time, Shell executives were reportedly seen handing College officials several briefcases of cold, hard cash. 

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