SAGA DINING HALL — Armed with two MacBooks and a remarkable ability to judge how his peers should behave at a liberal college, Yale-NUS junior Teddy Cruise (18’) stood in the middle of Saga’s dining hall to reveal the quintessential 10 Commandments of College Etiquette.
Raising the two MacBooks in the air, Cruise explained that he had received the venerable commandments from an unknown source while studying on the 24th floor of Elm Tower.
“Enough is enough. Time and time again I’ve seen these offenses that I have CLEARLY stated to be unbecoming of a Yale-NUS college student. It is frankly quite appalling that some Yale-NUS students are not updated with the current events on social media; they should be checking it daily to confirm if they are behaving appropriately and experience an immediate sense of guilt, if they commit any social faux-pas,” Cruise told reporters, opening his arms wide and gesturing to the entire school.
“In ten minutes, I will be revealing the be-all and end-all document of college etiquette and every wrongdoer will look upon this artefact and immediately feel anguishing and burning guilt,” announced Cruise, pointing to his 10-bullet point document on his MacBook Pro, which touched on several social topics, such as lift poster etiquette, common lounge piano humidifier warnings, and buttery conventions. However, he assured the student body that this document was not meant to publicly shame anyone.
His proclamation comes as no surprise, however, as several eyewitness accounts across the campus noted that Cruise has already garnered a reputation for maintaining a watchful eye over others, identifying laundry tardiness and elevator poster misdemeanor from a remote location. Sources also confirmed that despite his reputation, Teddy Cruise has never been seen before physically approaching any of these etiquette offenders.
When asked if the new ‘10 Commandments’ would result in an echo chamber of opinions, Cruise clarified that he had considered that but was reassured when 30 people liked his Facebook post.