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Let’s face it. North Korea is a flipping mess. I can’t even begin to explain how we collectively as a species screwed up so badly. It is beyond me how we ended up with a hostile, unstable dictator getting his hands on nuclear weapons capable of wiping out entire countries. In recent months, North Korea has been relentless in their nuclear program and recent escalations with the United States have culminated in threats of “fire and fury” and “the total annihilation of Guam”.

In light of this impending global disaster, the responses from global leaders have been astonishingly disappointing. There has been an alarming lack of diplomatic talks or effective economic and political pressures implemented to de-escalate the nuclear crisis. Instead of working together, global leaders have stooped to finger pointing and name calling. We are potentially months away from an all-out nuclear war and we seem to be content with leaving our fate in the hands of Rocket Man and President Dotard.

It’s high time for all of us to wake up and decide that the status quo has to go. Uninspiring leadership cannot be an excuse for us to ignore the nuclear crisis. We simply cannot continue down this self-destructive path any longer. Which is why I calling on everyone to finally band together in unity and demand that Golden Retrievers really need to pull their goddam weight and solve North Korea’s Nuclear Crisis.

Yeah, you heard me right. I’m talking about that fluffy golden ball of sunshine and unadulterated joy currently lounging on your living room couch. I’ve had enough of Golden Retrievers thinking they can just take a backseat when it comes to North Korea. While their owners have been slogging away at creating world peace, Golden Retrievers just waste their days staring into space and engaging in meaningless pursuits such as chasing their own tail. What have they done to de-escalate the nuclear crisis?

It’s not just those living in Singapore, even the Golden Retrievers in Guam seem completely apathetic to North Korea. They think they can just leave it to the humans. This shrugging of responsibility is completely appalling considering that Golden Retrievers do not even have the resilience or adaptability of cockroaches to outlive this crisis. All they care about is frisbee time and dog treats instead of the millions of potential victims in a nuclear strike. This sort of selfish and idle behaviour really makes me question, “Who even is a good boy?”

Do not let skeptics mislead you into thinking that this is an issue of ability. I’ve had enough of Golden Retrievers giving irrelevant excuses like, “Oh, but I don’t even have opposable thumbs. How can I even have any negotiating power in the political sphere?” Listen to yourselves. At least Huskies pull sleds and contribute to the transportation industry. The lack of effort from Golden Retrievers is bringing shame to their entire species.

However, the good news is that it’s not too late. Until Rocket Man launches any nuclear missiles, there is still hope that we can avoid a nuclear catastrophe. But, this is not something that politicians alone can solve. It’s time for Golden Retrieves to stop wagging their tails. They must live up to their title as ‘man’s best friend’ and do something to put an end to North Korea’s nuclear crisis.