Several sources have complained about almost unbearable levels of pretension from Elm resident Andrew James (’21) since his return from a trip to the planet Mars this Sunday. James, along with 14 other Yale-NUS freshmen, spent 4 days in a Martian facility as part of a Week 7 trip to study Mars’ local literary tradition.
Sources close to James claim that he began irritating friends and acquaintances while still abroad with an intensive Instagram campaign. “If I see another photo of a pile of red rocks, I’m going to lose my mind,” confided suitemate Alexei Popovich (‘21), who is currently living in constant fear of an impromptu throwback post. “I’ve read ‘#wanderlust #ineedspace #universalist #lowgravity’ so many times that they’ve started to lose their meaning.”
Reports indicate that James’s insufferability has escalated significantly since his return to Earth. James has not hesitated to educate friends, classmates, professors, and innocent passers-by on the finer points of Martian culture.”He stopped me in the middle of the dining hall to tell me about how my bowl of cocoa puffs can’t compare to Mereal [Mars cereal] and Milk [Mars milk].” reported Alice Keng (‘19). When asked for directions to Classroom 14 by a tardy student, James allegedly took four minutes and thirty-seven agonizing seconds to coach them through the Martian pronunciation of the number 14, which sounds something like “fu’ween”.
The enterprising freshman has reportedly made good use of class hours as an opportunity to recount various aspects of his trip at length. “It’s like no matter what we’re discussing, he manages to divert the conversation to talk about Mars,” reported Fatima Hussain (’21), who is forced to share three out of four classes with James. “He keep saying that every single problem we have on Earth, whether it’s institutionalized sexism or income inequality, just doesn’t exist on Mars.”
Several others have come forward to add that James had taken to attending all classes in a fully equipped standard-issue spacesuit. When asked for comment, James replied, “Oh – was I wearing it this whole time? Sorry, I’m just so used to it. It’s become like a second skin to me!” before knocking his head on his visor mid-laugh.
In response to the allegations, James stated, “This trip has molded me into a truly universal citizen, something which I don’t expect most people to understand. Honestly, people just need to broaden their horizons, which is why I encourage everyone else to take this trip for themselves.” According to official CIPE documents, the school-subsidized Mars trip cost approximately USD 230 billion to execute.