YALE-NUS COLLEGE — A recent study of CSI lectures has found that the population of the wild Lecture Attendant (Lecturus scholasticus) has dropped drastically in the past few weeks. Consequently, the species has been added to the IUCN Red List of Threatened Species. Statistics have shown that sightings of 200 individuals nearly 2 months ago have dwindled to a dangerously low 103 individuals in the past week, a decline of almost 50% in the population.
The study is a wake-up call for Yale-NUS faculty, as many scrambled to find out exactly why numbers have dropped when no anthropogenic or climate-related changes have occurred. Initial research efforts yielded no explanations, which prompted some faculty to devote more attention to the problem.
Further research has discovered possible causes such as the rise of predatory insomnia and a sudden outbreak of viral lethargy, especially in the mornings where lectures tend to concentrate. The possible reason that lectures are not particularly good was quickly ruled out with unanimous agreement from lecturers.
Some lecturers have taken preliminary actions such as tagging the remaining Lecture Attendants in an effort to track numbers for more effective conservation. It turned out to not be all doom and gloom for the species. “There may be some hope for this endangered species; we have, on occasion, spotted a few of the extremely rare Front-Row subspecies,” said Professor Goodall, a lecturer and expert in species conservation.
Other possible conservation solutions have been proposed, such as adjusting certain environmental variables within the Performance Hall itself in an effort to make the habitat more hospitable. However, current experiments in changing the A.C. temperature and varying the number of lecturers on stage have not been conclusive.
Another possible solution, holding lectures in dining halls instead of the Performance Hall, remains a controversial idea. Some lecturers believe that this effort to artificially boost the Lecture Attendant species’ population numbers will threaten the conservation of the Breakfast Student (Primovigilus scholasticus) whose population numbers are dwindling even faster than the Lecturus scholasticus.